I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
BRING THE BAGELS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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