dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
