made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
