I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
