he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
