Taylor Swift is so right about you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
