Welp...herpes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
