being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
