I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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