I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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