bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
