so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
