Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
