I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
