My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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