It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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