I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
