Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
