Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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