i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
