I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
