I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
