last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
