I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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