Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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