Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
