Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
