Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
