when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
