i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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