He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You have to summon your inner elephant
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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