Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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