dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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