Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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