You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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