News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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