when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
