Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
