Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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