i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
