the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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