Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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