mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
