my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
