I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
