evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When did angry sex become our thing?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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