Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So many bounce houses so little time
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
