i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
