So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
