for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
