We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
